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Hello again,
So, for the four people still interested enough to be reading this. Here we go. I continue to have wonderful eliminations every morning. Its fun. So between the running to bathroom sporadically, I am totally used to the hunger and pseudo exhaustion. I have enough energy to spare, so that department is no problem. I have a slight headache constantly. Which is not pleasant, but manageable. I realize that this is not for everyone. For the people on the fence I offer these words. DO this cleanse. Ha, no but seriously folks....Of course I would use this arena to post my gripes and indifference. It is my outlet of course, a release from the abstinence. So you might not have heard all the wonderful things. In this modern age, toxic behavior has become routine. I am constantly working for a way of living that is simple in design. One that feels more natural. Simplified, the way originally intended. Not inundated with all this crap. I mean how many things can you fit in your head? your body? your apartment? It seems that constantly we as a people are barraged with ploys to coax us into a dependency on goods and services, material things that civilization went on fine without. This whole twenty days thing I am doing is not only about the cleansing. It is that. Also more. I wish to shun all modern adaptations of food in the hope that I come out a less dependent individual on the other end. Last time I had done this cleanse I went from vegetarian to vegan. I wonder what I will become this time? Maybe a balloon? Maybe a dinosaur? Who rightly knows, but I will say this...I will have evolved yet again.
Thats all for today, tune in tomorrow when I post my 'Master Cleanse Survival Guide'
see ya around!
poop
---N
Hello,
So here I am. Still standing. Much closer to my goal. Sixteen days in and I still want a sandwich.
I feel good. I will feel even better when this is through. All the discipline in the world will not keep me from growing weary of this diet. Just four more days. I will be eating by the weekend.
wish me luck,
---N
p.s. --- poop poop poop
p.p.s --- I know that is what you come here for :)
Hello interweb!
There is not too much to say about these days. My cravings have all but subsided. I do look forward to eating again and every once and a while I feel like breaking this off early. Then I re-think that and stay true to my word. I am marching on to twenty. I had some instances where I doubted the effectiveness of this ordeal. Then realizing it was my eating habit trying to talk me back into mastication. Each morning I was reassured again by trips to the loo. Simply put, I have not had a thing to eat in two weeks. fourteen days. Where is all this poop coming from? It is not like niagara falls or anything, but it is considerable relatively speaking. That is one of the things that tell me I am on the right path. Beware, anywhere you go while on this cleanse, you should prepare an ample amount of juice to take with you. 32oz should last you say four hours or so. Both on day 12 and 13 I was sans juice from 5pm to midnight. Headaches, yawning and a general cold feeling followed. Plus that really leaves you beat the next day. Every day of mine lately has acted like a milestone. I feel that if I have the discipline to break the eating habit, I can achieve anything. I might try silence next. Nope.
---N
Hello World,
Eleven days! Eleven days on the Master Cleanse. Ok, not as much of a feat as the first time around, but I have officially begun my run to my goal of twenty days. I feel good. High energy. Lots of running to the bathroom, and minimal adverse side effects.
What to expect on the cleanse.
• You will get hungry --- I do not care what anyone says, hunger happens
• You will get tired --- Not to mention the occasional brain fog (air traffic controllers beware)
• You will lose weight --- Around two pounds a day too!
• You will feel like you have diarrhea --- Um....pretty much everyday
• You will stink --- toxins are on their way out of you in a hurry, so yes, you will smell like a cabbie
The benefits.
• You will lose weight --- Around two pounds a day too!
• Restoration of kidney function --- Drinkers.......this means you!
• Elimination of the bodily toxins --- They come out of every hole you have
• Leaves you feeling light, sharp, quick and clear --- Afterwards anyway
• Will clear up facial blemishes --- Zits be gone
• Cleanses colon completely --- gets rid of all that gum you swallowed as a kid
• Reduces inflammation --- heals and soothes ulcers, hives, cankers...etc.
There are many other benefits that do not come to mind this minute, but I feel so much better after ten days, I am going to do another ten. Wish me luck. Read the rest of these, they are hilarious.
---N
Hey Kids,
So here we are....halfway to twenty. I am doing okay. I almost shit myself inside out today. Let's just say it was a "draining" day. I would be lying if I said I did not want to cut this thing off right now. I am feeling the ten days. They are telling me I am crazy. I am listening.
I am tired. I am hungry. I want a sandwich.
Yet every morning and most of the day, my body is pushing out all kinds of stuff. So that tells me that we still have some ground to cover. I also learned that in addition to cleansing the colon, I am also getting those kidneys clean as well. This is just worth it on so many levels. I did my share of drinking in my day, so now I am doing the time for it. I will thank myself when I outlive my contemporaries.
Apart from my bratty moments, my cravings, and my whining I know this is the right thing to do.
That is all that matters.
I soldier on.
The halfway point.
It is all down hill from here.
Cheers,
---N
p.s. --- I really do feel good, I have not weighed myself, but I have lost like twenty pounds of fat.
No more belly :)
Hello All,
I am excited to be nearing the half-way point! I must say I have proven the effectiveness of this cleanse. 'How?', do you ask? Apart from this excellent blob. Yes I said 'blob'. Blog sounds stupid by comparison. Well. It is now nine days since I started this cleanse. Which means I have not eaten anything the duration. No solid food for nine days! Provided your narrator is truthful in his accounts, explain the massive amount of booty butter I just sprayed into the bowl. It looked like greasy ass pudding! Chocolate of course. So if I have not eaten any food, how do you explain the chocolate ass pudding booty butter? Huh? Explain that.
I will leave you with 'greasy ass pudding booty butter'
tell your friends! the master cleanse!
---N
Hello poop fans,
So this day came and went like the others. It was a weekend day. So the with the stresses of a morning commute lifted, it set the tone for a mellow and relaxing day. I had forgotten the laxative tea the night before and skipped the saltwater. This left me stopped up for the day. I was feeling a bit tired and out of it all day. I had missed some sleep during the week and was worse for the wear, but I wear it well. So I made it to the studio in the morning to work on some art. Then made it to the flat to relax with the girlfriend. I drank lemonade, wanted badly to eat a sandwich and dealt with the growling stomach. Now do not be mistaken, you are not always hungry, just at times it hits you in a wave. This day was no exception. Fairly uneventful, I maintained.
---N
Hey All,
So the seventh day cam and went. I was the most difficult mentally thus far. My body was having all kinds of cravings, and leaning on me hard to deliver. I made it through alright I guess. It was another freak out party for my client. It is almost if the universe tries to test my mettle by throwing high maintenance cry babies my way to stress me out. Well I should not blame the universe. Whoever was at work though, was certainly testing my limits. I believe I passed those tests with colors blazing.
All the poop is happening. Though not as often as last time, or so it seems. My stomach rumbles like an upstart thunder storm. I am forced to rationalize it back down. I grow weary of the diet and think about how much longer I said I would keep it up. By the end of the day I have steeled my resolve once more and look forward to eating again.
Again for the un-initiated, I am on 'The Master Cleanse'. This diet consists of no solid food whatsoever. It includes 32oz. of saltwater first thing in the morning. Lemonade made of fresh lemon juice, organic grade B maple syrup, water, and a dash of cayenne pepper--throughout the day. Senna leaf laxative tea before bed. The occasional cup of mint tea as a treat, and enough will power to see it through to completion. I have chosen to fast/cleanse for 20 days, this is for the purpose of cleansing the internal organs.
This diet helps the body to cleanse the colon, liver, kidneys, and digestive tract. It can also reduce the effects of numerous maladies. It does so naturally, without the introduction of man made medicines. The idea being that if the body is not constantly having to process and digest solid foods, it can work to cleanse itself, which is its default action. The food we eat today is largely toxic. Full of artificial ingredients, preservatives, chemical colors, scents and flavors. These toxic materials never make it out of your body completely, bits and pieces of these things linger, causing a kind of silt. This silt starts to accumulate and slows down and blocks organ function causing many problems. This diet supplies the body with all necessary nutrition while freeing it to get down to ridding itself of any and all toxins.
People almost always come up with reasons not to do something positive. "I could never do that" or "Where I am I going to get my Protein?" are some of the most common responses. The body needs much less protein than one is conditioned to believe. Think of this, you know that burger you are eating came from a cow, right? Where do you think that cow got all its protein? From grass. Thats right, cows do not eat steak. So take your protein comment back to the lab and analyze them you will find they are made not of sense but of fear.
be well,
---N
Well hello,
So the march continues. A question was posed to me today. Is the cleanse more difficult the second time around. I think it was more difficult to start this time. I also think it is easier to maintain. Drawing on past experience gives you the ability to have exact expectations. That being the reason for both. You know what you are getting yourself into, the waves of weariness, the bouts of hunger etc. That makes dealing with it more manageable. Giving up all forms of food, voluntarily, is initially more trouble the second go around.
So I have been skipping the saltwater during the week. Still having no troubles evacuating, to put it lightly. The toilet closely resembles an abstract expressionists' rendition of charlie brown's tee-shirt when I am through. Thanks to the fact that I have been keeping up the laxative tea each night, which tastes like licorice. That has kept me feeling a faint mix of nausea/diarrhea in the mornings just after arriving at work. Lucky that it waits, and that I have a fairly accessible bathroom situation. Otherwise, I would be sliding into home with pants full of foam, as the olde jingle goes.
All in all I am going strong. The hardest part is seeing ready to eat food. Like lets say, a banana.
Your body is hungry, so your mind and body see the food make the connection and give you the impulse to reach grab eat. Fighting that innate impulse is the most difficult. Telling your body, yes every time we were hungry for the past twenty-eight years we would eat to slake it. This time however you are wrong mind/body. You are wrong. Go back into your corner with your stored up carbohydrates and your stomach growls. Hey! Mind/Body! Don't forget your lemonade!
That's right mind/body.................don't forget your lemonade.
still going strong.......6 down..........14 to go.
---N
Hello poop heads,
Well today was day five. Another mark along the path to a completely detoxified body. I had really started thinking about this cleanse thing a few years back. When I worked 72 hours a week at a bar in the Lower East Side of Manhattan, treated my body like a Jameson recycling plant and smoked cigarettes like I was in the 1950's. I thought, there must be some way to feel better, surely life was not meant to feel constantly hung over. Remember I was tending bar, you get that job so you can drink for free, that is the point. I longed for change. Like a threadbare couch cushion, I was coming apart at the seams. It came to a point where I knew I had to just jump. To take a flying leap of faith in the direction of my dreams. I quit bartending altogether. Just quit. No other job, no back-up plan. Nothing. Just the will that I would make a living making art and the faith that the universe would support such a grand life changing gesture. I had a little money saved. I got a little more in the way of an envelope full of cash. Severance from the bar owner I worked for, a very gracious gesture on his part. I was off. Free. Looking for a way to make some money. So I did. I ended up freelancing full time as an illustrator for a year or so. I managed to string together enough jobs to make rent and keep up with my bills. I was no where near where I wanted to be however. So it led me to thinking. I managed to make a pretty big lifestyle change, and was rewarded. What else could I change to better my situation? That is when all these things started to fall away from my life. In turn my life kept changing for the better. I learned a valuable lesson. The outside world as you perceive it is directly linked to your internal world only you see. Change your thoughts, change your world. Or in the words of John Lennon, "the deeper you go, the higher you fly--the higher you fly the deeper you go"
So one by one I started eliminating the detractors. The things blocking me from happiness. Booze went first. Then smoking. Then red meat. Then meat altogether. Then all animal by-products. I did notice a change in my perception, my energy level, my thoughts, almost immediately. Now I work on training myself not to succumb to fear related response and to avoid negative thinking. This is not just some hippie mumbo-jumbo. This has changed my life. I feel like I am trying to sell you Am-Way or something. Heh.
Also, please do not be confused. It took me several attempts to quit smoking/drinking/etc. It was not like one day I woke up, decided to quit, and was rid of all temptation. I had thoughts of quitting all that crap long ago. It took me years to achieve it. It differs for every person as well, only you know the cross you bear. It is up to you not to give into it though, you always have a choice, choose rejoice :)
So now comes about the time when you are thinking to yourself. Is this guy serious? Or you perhaps are a witty one and have already had several jokes at my expense. Do not worry, I will not try to get you to come to my church or prayer group. I am not looking to convert you to Scientology or any weird cult. I am just writing my thoughts here. I am providing you a true story. Giving you information, perhaps leading you to question yourself and your behavior. Todays church lies not in organized religion but in the mind of the individual. The religion of the twenty-first century is that little voice that tells you to help instead of hurt, and create instead of destroy.
and I love you.
Go and make this world a better place to be.
---N
for my brother Adam, happy 25th birthday!
Hello Aether,
So day four has come, and is almost gone. I am off to see a rock show at webster hall tonight. The Walkmen are playing. I am excited.
This day was a trial in patience. It almost seemed false. Like some bizarro world flip flop. I had crazed clients, pyscho in-laws and all with no energy to fend them off. Which was actually a blessing in disguise. My usual fiery Sicilian temper was made placid. I sincerely had not the energy to get all pissed off. Someday perhaps I will sneak up and punch the offending parties in the face--watch your back. Until then I will just apologize and make nice.
I had skipped again the saltwater this morning. See yesterdays post about shitting ones pants. I was feeling guilty about it, thinking I am not doing this correctly and for all it is worth. Then while reading through the book again I noticed that the saltwater is only meant as an aid, although it speeds and aids in cleansing, not necessary daily. Sure enough I had no problems, think crunchy Chee-tos , only brown--and made of poo.
So with frequent trips to the bathroom, and much spicy lemonade guzzling, day four is all but at a close. A special nod to those difficult and irrational people out there, may you overcome your glaring deficiencies.
Stay tuned for more detailed anecdotal accounts of shitting!!!!!!
---N
Hello all,
Day three here. I am pleased to inform you the day went quickly and quietly. The sun came out. The lemons were perfect.
I skipped my saltwater today. I had never had to wake up so early in conjunction with the cleanse. I did not roll the dice. My brain told me a secret, my dreams revealed the embarrassment of one shitting ones pants on a morning train into Manhattan, I went sans saltwater. Now, I did drink the laxative tea late last night before bed. My thoughts were that I could wake early enough to pass all the saltwater before my journey to work. Six in the morning however, eluded me quite deftly. So, since all things balance. I will drink the saltwater before bed or in the early evening.
Now that dilemma has been solved.
Today was much smoother than yesterday. My bratty cravings for food subsided a bit. My sense of smell increased. I am already melting off pounds--I can feel it. I do feel quite tired. Not unbearably, but significantly none the less. My mind and body are starting to creep into calorie conservation mode. With a kind of senior citizen response time. Although I did manage to best a few of my pre-cleanse records on 'Brain-Age 2' for the Nintendo DS.
It has come to my attention that no fewer than two people read this blog. How exciting indeed! I know that of those two, at least one of them fancies himself a writer. The other a staunch critic.
Also blog fans, it has come to my attention that one of the aforementioned has mentioned intent to blackmail your garrulous narrator, with this very text! An abhorrent ruse!
Well this is no time to grandstand, so I shall stick to what has made this such an inflammatory writ. Poop.
Skipping the saltwater made everything semi-normal. The laxative tea had me all bubble-guts in the morning. After a couple repugnant little diddies however, the shit-storm has subsided.
It really does work as the brush so to speak, a water brush if you will.
Now I am working my way quite quickly through my eighth and ninth glasses of lemonade. Perhaps I shall skip the saltwater altogether for today and pick up in the morning. For what is the point of flushing on a full stomach?
Ladies and Gentlemen,
Though very few of you count as gentle. Your dear Narrator is apprehensive at best, trepidatious if you will. I sincerely do not want to cleanse again. The feeling is all too evident as I sit here about to take my first sip of the thirty two ounce pelagic beverage that sits to my right.
However this must be done. If only as a symbol. A symbol of the full movement away from the needs and temptations of this modern world of convenience. This gesture will say that what is needed, what is best, comes not of convenience but of sacrifice and determination. There. I took my first gulp of the maritime libation. Not as bad as I had it in my mind to be. An analogy perhaps for all yearnings of the spirit. The leap--never worthy of all the fear you subscribe to it.
---N
That is right blog fans!
I mean, no one reads this blog. So it is safe for me to just rant on about any nonsense that enters my brain. However, I am extremely bad at keeping it up. When was the last post? January. For shame. Who has time for this? Seriously. Between the work, eating, sleeping, and the studio I pay for but do not go to. I have very little time to sit in front of my computer and complain. Or express observations that no one else really cares about. When I add the gym membership to assuage my health related guilt, I shall really have not a minute for this mental masturbation.
Until then however, I will be CLEANSING AGAIN! You heard me. Your foremost authority on poop evacuation, is at it again. I have begun this instant. It is 5:19 pm, March 1st, 2008. I 'fork' --as i am affectionately known to my friends, will begin a twenty day fast/cleanse. For the purpose of expelling any toxic material otherwise trapped in my body.
For the uninitiated, this is the second time I will have cleansed. The cleanse consists of not eating any solid food. At all. For the specified period. Last time I had done this I managed to go fifteen days with only my special tonic and my will power to nourish me. No food. This time ladies and gentlemen, TWENTY is the number. Now the routine I will follow will be the same as last time. Thirty-two ounces of saltwater in the morning--This works as a flush. The lemonade--made of fresh lemon juice, cayenne pepper and organic grade B maple syrup. A laxative tea at night before bed--senna leaf.
So, from now, until March 20th @ 5:19pm--Thursday, I shall not consume any solid food.
Please feel free to go to the begining of this blog to read the hilarity that ensued when I first cleansed. That should catch you up on the how and why.
Otherwise know that this time, I will be working full time, 9-5. Where as last time I was freelancing--also known as sitting on my ass at home. So dealing with rush hour train traffic at both 8:30am and 5pm should prove to be a treat. So this could be interesting.
Wish me luck. I am off to make some lemonade.
---N
hello all.
so here we are. the twenty first century. we are still wondering about life on other planets.
I am to the point where I will not even give you the song and dance about how ignorant you are if you do not think there is life elsewhere in the universe. I think your beer dispensing hat says it all.
whats up with that texas bit huh?
if you did not hear yet, google ufo/texas. you will see.
so pretty much a whole town sees a ufo.
i spoiled it for you.
the reason why I am writing though. not the ufo, i mean wow but no. not that.
i am writing in reference to the governments response.
they said it was sunlight reflecting off of two airliners.
ha!
this happened at night mind you.
and two airliners are just flying side by side, hanging out.
it is like, c'mon government!
just spill the beans.
say you have no clue what that was just like the rest of us.
tell the truth for once in your miserable career.
we are all grown up, we can handle it.
tell us about all the aliens.
c'mon.
what, do you think we are gonna stop paying your salary?
i mean could we even if we wanted to?
---N
1. How do you get your protein?
Listen, how all of a sudden, are you, the moron who eats McDonalds and has 40k worth of debt, a nutritionist? There is protein in every fruit and vegetable. There is protein in all life. In fact, if it were not for protein, nothing would exist. Protein is the exoskeleton of all cellular construction. You are an idiot.
2. But animals eat other animals, it is natural.
Okay, so now you are a wildlife expert too? When the closest thing to wildlife you see is certain parts of Brooklyn, you can shut it. In all your many hours of animal planet and discovery channel you have so wisely invested, you may have noticed that all the animals that eat other animals are either scavengers, or lethargic to the point of sloth. Sleeping days, weeks, and months. So there.
3. I like the taste of meat, I could never give that up.
So, you like to eat dead bodies? I mean, man just invented words like pork, and beef. It is in actuality, flesh. Flesh of dead animals. Gross, right? Think about your dog and/or cat from your childhood. Looking into its eyes and petting it. Then imagine hitting in the head with a hammer. Slicing open its stomach letting all its blood and entrails spill out. Scraping the remaining organs out of its ribcage with your hands. Skinning it. Thats right, removing its skin with a knife. Cutting off its head, tail, and feet. Cracking apart its ribcage. Cutting its hind quarters off, splitting them. Shall I continue? This is the send off you give any animal you put in your mouth. You support this on a massive scale, every time you purchase some 'meat.' Not to mention the deforestation and precious natural resources used to raise animals for the abattoir. Imagine if it were socially acceptable to eat dog or cat. Would you eat yours?
that is all for today.
class dismissed.
you think about what you have learned next time you pick up your fork.
---N
Ladies!
Allow me to let you in on something not so secret. There are still a few of you clinging to the past. For the purposes of this entry I am speaking solely of footwear known as UGG's. Please stop. Burn them. They are hideous. You missed the boat on this. Give it up. That was a couple years ago at least. Do not say "I do not care what is trendy, I just want to be comfortable." Sorry, but in this case you are wrong. Just stop. Please stop.
