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Hello Aether,
So day four has come, and is almost gone. I am off to see a rock show at webster hall tonight. The Walkmen are playing. I am excited.
This day was a trial in patience. It almost seemed false. Like some bizarro world flip flop. I had crazed clients, pyscho in-laws and all with no energy to fend them off. Which was actually a blessing in disguise. My usual fiery Sicilian temper was made placid. I sincerely had not the energy to get all pissed off. Someday perhaps I will sneak up and punch the offending parties in the face--watch your back. Until then I will just apologize and make nice.
I had skipped again the saltwater this morning. See yesterdays post about shitting ones pants. I was feeling guilty about it, thinking I am not doing this correctly and for all it is worth. Then while reading through the book again I noticed that the saltwater is only meant as an aid, although it speeds and aids in cleansing, not necessary daily. Sure enough I had no problems, think crunchy Chee-tos , only brown--and made of poo.
So with frequent trips to the bathroom, and much spicy lemonade guzzling, day four is all but at a close. A special nod to those difficult and irrational people out there, may you overcome your glaring deficiencies.
Stay tuned for more detailed anecdotal accounts of shitting!!!!!!
---N
Hello all,
Day three here. I am pleased to inform you the day went quickly and quietly. The sun came out. The lemons were perfect.
I skipped my saltwater today. I had never had to wake up so early in conjunction with the cleanse. I did not roll the dice. My brain told me a secret, my dreams revealed the embarrassment of one shitting ones pants on a morning train into Manhattan, I went sans saltwater. Now, I did drink the laxative tea late last night before bed. My thoughts were that I could wake early enough to pass all the saltwater before my journey to work. Six in the morning however, eluded me quite deftly. So, since all things balance. I will drink the saltwater before bed or in the early evening.
Now that dilemma has been solved.
Today was much smoother than yesterday. My bratty cravings for food subsided a bit. My sense of smell increased. I am already melting off pounds--I can feel it. I do feel quite tired. Not unbearably, but significantly none the less. My mind and body are starting to creep into calorie conservation mode. With a kind of senior citizen response time. Although I did manage to best a few of my pre-cleanse records on 'Brain-Age 2' for the Nintendo DS.
It has come to my attention that no fewer than two people read this blog. How exciting indeed! I know that of those two, at least one of them fancies himself a writer. The other a staunch critic.
Also blog fans, it has come to my attention that one of the aforementioned has mentioned intent to blackmail your garrulous narrator, with this very text! An abhorrent ruse!
Well this is no time to grandstand, so I shall stick to what has made this such an inflammatory writ. Poop.
Skipping the saltwater made everything semi-normal. The laxative tea had me all bubble-guts in the morning. After a couple repugnant little diddies however, the shit-storm has subsided.
It really does work as the brush so to speak, a water brush if you will.
Now I am working my way quite quickly through my eighth and ninth glasses of lemonade. Perhaps I shall skip the saltwater altogether for today and pick up in the morning. For what is the point of flushing on a full stomach?
Ladies and Gentlemen,
Though very few of you count as gentle. Your dear Narrator is apprehensive at best, trepidatious if you will. I sincerely do not want to cleanse again. The feeling is all too evident as I sit here about to take my first sip of the thirty two ounce pelagic beverage that sits to my right.
However this must be done. If only as a symbol. A symbol of the full movement away from the needs and temptations of this modern world of convenience. This gesture will say that what is needed, what is best, comes not of convenience but of sacrifice and determination. There. I took my first gulp of the maritime libation. Not as bad as I had it in my mind to be. An analogy perhaps for all yearnings of the spirit. The leap--never worthy of all the fear you subscribe to it.
---N
That is right blog fans!
I mean, no one reads this blog. So it is safe for me to just rant on about any nonsense that enters my brain. However, I am extremely bad at keeping it up. When was the last post? January. For shame. Who has time for this? Seriously. Between the work, eating, sleeping, and the studio I pay for but do not go to. I have very little time to sit in front of my computer and complain. Or express observations that no one else really cares about. When I add the gym membership to assuage my health related guilt, I shall really have not a minute for this mental masturbation.
Until then however, I will be CLEANSING AGAIN! You heard me. Your foremost authority on poop evacuation, is at it again. I have begun this instant. It is 5:19 pm, March 1st, 2008. I 'fork' --as i am affectionately known to my friends, will begin a twenty day fast/cleanse. For the purpose of expelling any toxic material otherwise trapped in my body.
For the uninitiated, this is the second time I will have cleansed. The cleanse consists of not eating any solid food. At all. For the specified period. Last time I had done this I managed to go fifteen days with only my special tonic and my will power to nourish me. No food. This time ladies and gentlemen, TWENTY is the number. Now the routine I will follow will be the same as last time. Thirty-two ounces of saltwater in the morning--This works as a flush. The lemonade--made of fresh lemon juice, cayenne pepper and organic grade B maple syrup. A laxative tea at night before bed--senna leaf.
So, from now, until March 20th @ 5:19pm--Thursday, I shall not consume any solid food.
Please feel free to go to the begining of this blog to read the hilarity that ensued when I first cleansed. That should catch you up on the how and why.
Otherwise know that this time, I will be working full time, 9-5. Where as last time I was freelancing--also known as sitting on my ass at home. So dealing with rush hour train traffic at both 8:30am and 5pm should prove to be a treat. So this could be interesting.
Wish me luck. I am off to make some lemonade.
---N
hello all.
so here we are. the twenty first century. we are still wondering about life on other planets.
I am to the point where I will not even give you the song and dance about how ignorant you are if you do not think there is life elsewhere in the universe. I think your beer dispensing hat says it all.
whats up with that texas bit huh?
if you did not hear yet, google ufo/texas. you will see.
so pretty much a whole town sees a ufo.
i spoiled it for you.
the reason why I am writing though. not the ufo, i mean wow but no. not that.
i am writing in reference to the governments response.
they said it was sunlight reflecting off of two airliners.
ha!
this happened at night mind you.
and two airliners are just flying side by side, hanging out.
it is like, c'mon government!
just spill the beans.
say you have no clue what that was just like the rest of us.
tell the truth for once in your miserable career.
we are all grown up, we can handle it.
tell us about all the aliens.
c'mon.
what, do you think we are gonna stop paying your salary?
i mean could we even if we wanted to?
---N
1. How do you get your protein?
Listen, how all of a sudden, are you, the moron who eats McDonalds and has 40k worth of debt, a nutritionist? There is protein in every fruit and vegetable. There is protein in all life. In fact, if it were not for protein, nothing would exist. Protein is the exoskeleton of all cellular construction. You are an idiot.
2. But animals eat other animals, it is natural.
Okay, so now you are a wildlife expert too? When the closest thing to wildlife you see is certain parts of Brooklyn, you can shut it. In all your many hours of animal planet and discovery channel you have so wisely invested, you may have noticed that all the animals that eat other animals are either scavengers, or lethargic to the point of sloth. Sleeping days, weeks, and months. So there.
3. I like the taste of meat, I could never give that up.
So, you like to eat dead bodies? I mean, man just invented words like pork, and beef. It is in actuality, flesh. Flesh of dead animals. Gross, right? Think about your dog and/or cat from your childhood. Looking into its eyes and petting it. Then imagine hitting in the head with a hammer. Slicing open its stomach letting all its blood and entrails spill out. Scraping the remaining organs out of its ribcage with your hands. Skinning it. Thats right, removing its skin with a knife. Cutting off its head, tail, and feet. Cracking apart its ribcage. Cutting its hind quarters off, splitting them. Shall I continue? This is the send off you give any animal you put in your mouth. You support this on a massive scale, every time you purchase some 'meat.' Not to mention the deforestation and precious natural resources used to raise animals for the abattoir. Imagine if it were socially acceptable to eat dog or cat. Would you eat yours?
that is all for today.
class dismissed.
you think about what you have learned next time you pick up your fork.
---N
Ladies!
Allow me to let you in on something not so secret. There are still a few of you clinging to the past. For the purposes of this entry I am speaking solely of footwear known as UGG's. Please stop. Burn them. They are hideous. You missed the boat on this. Give it up. That was a couple years ago at least. Do not say "I do not care what is trendy, I just want to be comfortable." Sorry, but in this case you are wrong. Just stop. Please stop.
