motherforker

days 17 & 18 --- march 17 & 18

2008-03-18T18:53:00.000-07:00

Hello again,

So, for the four people still interested enough to be reading this. Here we go. I continue to have wonderful eliminations every morning. Its fun. So between the running to bathroom sporadically, I am totally used to the hunger and pseudo exhaustion. I have enough energy to spare, so that department is no problem. I have a slight headache constantly. Which is not pleasant, but manageable. I realize that this is not for everyone. For the people on the fence I offer these words. DO this cleanse. Ha, no but seriously folks....Of course I would use this arena to post my gripes and indifference. It is my outlet of course, a release from the abstinence. So you might not have heard all the wonderful things. In this modern age, toxic behavior has become routine. I am constantly working for a way of living that is simple in design. One that feels more natural. Simplified, the way originally intended. Not inundated with all this crap. I mean how many things can you fit in your head? your body? your apartment? It seems that constantly we as a people are barraged with ploys to coax us into a dependency on goods and services, material things that civilization went on fine without. This whole twenty days thing I am doing is not only about the cleansing. It is that. Also more. I wish to shun all modern adaptations of food in the hope that I come out a less dependent individual on the other end. Last time I had done this cleanse I went from vegetarian to vegan. I wonder what I will become this time? Maybe a balloon? Maybe a dinosaur? Who rightly knows, but I will say this...I will have evolved yet again.

Thats all for today, tune in tomorrow when I post my 'Master Cleanse Survival Guide'

see ya around!

poop

---N

days 15 & 16 - march 15 & 16

2008-03-16T17:16:00.000-07:00

Hello,

So here I am. Still standing. Much closer to my goal. Sixteen days in and I still want a sandwich.
I feel good. I will feel even better when this is through. All the discipline in the world will not keep me from growing weary of this diet. Just four more days. I will be eating by the weekend.

wish me luck,

---N

p.s. --- poop poop poop

p.p.s --- I know that is what you come here for :)

Days 12,13 & 14 - March 12, 13 & 14

2008-03-14T07:56:00.000-07:00

Hello interweb!

There is not too much to say about these days. My cravings have all but subsided. I do look forward to eating again and every once and a while I feel like breaking this off early. Then I re-think that and stay true to my word. I am marching on to twenty. I had some instances where I doubted the effectiveness of this ordeal. Then realizing it was my eating habit trying to talk me back into mastication. Each morning I was reassured again by trips to the loo. Simply put, I have not had a thing to eat in two weeks. fourteen days. Where is all this poop coming from? It is not like niagara falls or anything, but it is considerable relatively speaking. That is one of the things that tell me I am on the right path. Beware, anywhere you go while on this cleanse, you should prepare an ample amount of juice to take with you. 32oz should last you say four hours or so. Both on day 12 and 13 I was sans juice from 5pm to midnight. Headaches, yawning and a general cold feeling followed. Plus that really leaves you beat the next day. Every day of mine lately has acted like a milestone. I feel that if I have the discipline to break the eating habit, I can achieve anything. I might try silence next. Nope.

---N

day eleven - march eleven

2008-03-11T15:56:00.000-07:00

Hello World,

Eleven days! Eleven days on the Master Cleanse. Ok, not as much of a feat as the first time around, but I have officially begun my run to my goal of twenty days. I feel good. High energy. Lots of running to the bathroom, and minimal adverse side effects.

What to expect on the cleanse.

• You will get hungry --- I do not care what anyone says, hunger happens

• You will get tired --- Not to mention the occasional brain fog (air traffic controllers beware)

• You will lose weight --- Around two pounds a day too!

• You will feel like you have diarrhea --- Um....pretty much everyday

• You will stink --- toxins are on their way out of you in a hurry, so yes, you will smell like a cabbie

The benefits.

• You will lose weight --- Around two pounds a day too!

• Restoration of kidney function --- Drinkers.......this means you!

• Elimination of the bodily toxins --- They come out of every hole you have

• Leaves you feeling light, sharp, quick and clear --- Afterwards anyway

• Will clear up facial blemishes --- Zits be gone

• Cleanses colon completely --- gets rid of all that gum you swallowed as a kid

• Reduces inflammation --- heals and soothes ulcers, hives, cankers...etc.

There are many other benefits that do not come to mind this minute, but I feel so much better after ten days, I am going to do another ten. Wish me luck. Read the rest of these, they are hilarious.

---N

day ten - march ten

2008-03-10T18:21:00.000-07:00

Hey Kids,

So here we are....halfway to twenty. I am doing okay. I almost shit myself inside out today. Let's just say it was a "draining" day. I would be lying if I said I did not want to cut this thing off right now. I am feeling the ten days. They are telling me I am crazy. I am listening.
I am tired. I am hungry. I want a sandwich.
Yet every morning and most of the day, my body is pushing out all kinds of stuff. So that tells me that we still have some ground to cover. I also learned that in addition to cleansing the colon, I am also getting those kidneys clean as well. This is just worth it on so many levels. I did my share of drinking in my day, so now I am doing the time for it. I will thank myself when I outlive my contemporaries.
Apart from my bratty moments, my cravings, and my whining I know this is the right thing to do.
That is all that matters.
I soldier on.
The halfway point.
It is all down hill from here.

Cheers,

---N

p.s. --- I really do feel good, I have not weighed myself, but I have lost like twenty pounds of fat.
No more belly :)

day nine - march ninth

2008-03-09T09:54:00.000-07:00

Hello All,

I am excited to be nearing the half-way point! I must say I have proven the effectiveness of this cleanse. 'How?', do you ask? Apart from this excellent blob. Yes I said 'blob'. Blog sounds stupid by comparison. Well. It is now nine days since I started this cleanse. Which means I have not eaten anything the duration. No solid food for nine days! Provided your narrator is truthful in his accounts, explain the massive amount of booty butter I just sprayed into the bowl. It looked like greasy ass pudding! Chocolate of course. So if I have not eaten any food, how do you explain the chocolate ass pudding booty butter? Huh? Explain that.

I will leave you with 'greasy ass pudding booty butter'

tell your friends! the master cleanse!

---N

day eight - march eigth

2008-03-09T09:39:00.000-07:00

Hello poop fans,

So this day came and went like the others. It was a weekend day. So the with the stresses of a morning commute lifted, it set the tone for a mellow and relaxing day. I had forgotten the laxative tea the night before and skipped the saltwater. This left me stopped up for the day. I was feeling a bit tired and out of it all day. I had missed some sleep during the week and was worse for the wear, but I wear it well. So I made it to the studio in the morning to work on some art. Then made it to the flat to relax with the girlfriend. I drank lemonade, wanted badly to eat a sandwich and dealt with the growling stomach. Now do not be mistaken, you are not always hungry, just at times it hits you in a wave. This day was no exception. Fairly uneventful, I maintained.

---N

day seven - march seven

2008-03-08T05:26:00.000-08:00

Hey All,

So the seventh day cam and went. I was the most difficult mentally thus far. My body was having all kinds of cravings, and leaning on me hard to deliver. I made it through alright I guess. It was another freak out party for my client. It is almost if the universe tries to test my mettle by throwing high maintenance cry babies my way to stress me out. Well I should not blame the universe. Whoever was at work though, was certainly testing my limits. I believe I passed those tests with colors blazing.
All the poop is happening. Though not as often as last time, or so it seems. My stomach rumbles like an upstart thunder storm. I am forced to rationalize it back down. I grow weary of the diet and think about how much longer I said I would keep it up. By the end of the day I have steeled my resolve once more and look forward to eating again.
Again for the un-initiated, I am on 'The Master Cleanse'. This diet consists of no solid food whatsoever. It includes 32oz. of saltwater first thing in the morning. Lemonade made of fresh lemon juice, organic grade B maple syrup, water, and a dash of cayenne pepper--throughout the day. Senna leaf laxative tea before bed. The occasional cup of mint tea as a treat, and enough will power to see it through to completion. I have chosen to fast/cleanse for 20 days, this is for the purpose of cleansing the internal organs.
This diet helps the body to cleanse the colon, liver, kidneys, and digestive tract. It can also reduce the effects of numerous maladies. It does so naturally, without the introduction of man made medicines. The idea being that if the body is not constantly having to process and digest solid foods, it can work to cleanse itself, which is its default action. The food we eat today is largely toxic. Full of artificial ingredients, preservatives, chemical colors, scents and flavors. These toxic materials never make it out of your body completely, bits and pieces of these things linger, causing a kind of silt. This silt starts to accumulate and slows down and blocks organ function causing many problems. This diet supplies the body with all necessary nutrition while freeing it to get down to ridding itself of any and all toxins.
People almost always come up with reasons not to do something positive. "I could never do that" or "Where I am I going to get my Protein?" are some of the most common responses. The body needs much less protein than one is conditioned to believe. Think of this, you know that burger you are eating came from a cow, right? Where do you think that cow got all its protein? From grass. Thats right, cows do not eat steak. So take your protein comment back to the lab and analyze them you will find they are made not of sense but of fear.

be well,

---N

day six - march 6

2008-03-06T18:40:00.000-08:00

Well hello,

So the march continues. A question was posed to me today. Is the cleanse more difficult the second time around. I think it was more difficult to start this time. I also think it is easier to maintain. Drawing on past experience gives you the ability to have exact expectations. That being the reason for both. You know what you are getting yourself into, the waves of weariness, the bouts of hunger etc. That makes dealing with it more manageable. Giving up all forms of food, voluntarily, is initially more trouble the second go around.
So I have been skipping the saltwater during the week. Still having no troubles evacuating, to put it lightly. The toilet closely resembles an abstract expressionists' rendition of charlie brown's tee-shirt when I am through. Thanks to the fact that I have been keeping up the laxative tea each night, which tastes like licorice. That has kept me feeling a faint mix of nausea/diarrhea in the mornings just after arriving at work. Lucky that it waits, and that I have a fairly accessible bathroom situation. Otherwise, I would be sliding into home with pants full of foam, as the olde jingle goes.
All in all I am going strong. The hardest part is seeing ready to eat food. Like lets say, a banana.
Your body is hungry, so your mind and body see the food make the connection and give you the impulse to reach grab eat. Fighting that innate impulse is the most difficult. Telling your body, yes every time we were hungry for the past twenty-eight years we would eat to slake it. This time however you are wrong mind/body. You are wrong. Go back into your corner with your stored up carbohydrates and your stomach growls. Hey! Mind/Body! Don't forget your lemonade!

That's right mind/body.................don't forget your lemonade.

still going strong.......6 down..........14 to go.

---N

day five - march fifth

2008-03-05T21:17:00.000-08:00

Hello poop heads,

Well today was day five. Another mark along the path to a completely detoxified body. I had really started thinking about this cleanse thing a few years back. When I worked 72 hours a week at a bar in the Lower East Side of Manhattan, treated my body like a Jameson recycling plant and smoked cigarettes like I was in the 1950's. I thought, there must be some way to feel better, surely life was not meant to feel constantly hung over. Remember I was tending bar, you get that job so you can drink for free, that is the point. I longed for change. Like a threadbare couch cushion, I was coming apart at the seams. It came to a point where I knew I had to just jump. To take a flying leap of faith in the direction of my dreams. I quit bartending altogether. Just quit. No other job, no back-up plan. Nothing. Just the will that I would make a living making art and the faith that the universe would support such a grand life changing gesture. I had a little money saved. I got a little more in the way of an envelope full of cash. Severance from the bar owner I worked for, a very gracious gesture on his part. I was off. Free. Looking for a way to make some money. So I did. I ended up freelancing full time as an illustrator for a year or so. I managed to string together enough jobs to make rent and keep up with my bills. I was no where near where I wanted to be however. So it led me to thinking. I managed to make a pretty big lifestyle change, and was rewarded. What else could I change to better my situation? That is when all these things started to fall away from my life. In turn my life kept changing for the better. I learned a valuable lesson. The outside world as you perceive it is directly linked to your internal world only you see. Change your thoughts, change your world. Or in the words of John Lennon, "the deeper you go, the higher you fly--the higher you fly the deeper you go"
So one by one I started eliminating the detractors. The things blocking me from happiness. Booze went first. Then smoking. Then red meat. Then meat altogether. Then all animal by-products. I did notice a change in my perception, my energy level, my thoughts, almost immediately. Now I work on training myself not to succumb to fear related response and to avoid negative thinking. This is not just some hippie mumbo-jumbo. This has changed my life. I feel like I am trying to sell you Am-Way or something. Heh.
Also, please do not be confused. It took me several attempts to quit smoking/drinking/etc. It was not like one day I woke up, decided to quit, and was rid of all temptation. I had thoughts of quitting all that crap long ago. It took me years to achieve it. It differs for every person as well, only you know the cross you bear. It is up to you not to give into it though, you always have a choice, choose rejoice :)
So now comes about the time when you are thinking to yourself. Is this guy serious? Or you perhaps are a witty one and have already had several jokes at my expense. Do not worry, I will not try to get you to come to my church or prayer group. I am not looking to convert you to Scientology or any weird cult. I am just writing my thoughts here. I am providing you a true story. Giving you information, perhaps leading you to question yourself and your behavior. Todays church lies not in organized religion but in the mind of the individual. The religion of the twenty-first century is that little voice that tells you to help instead of hurt, and create instead of destroy.

and I love you.
Go and make this world a better place to be.

---N

for my brother Adam, happy 25th birthday!

day four

2008-03-04T15:19:00.000-08:00

Hello Aether,

So day four has come, and is almost gone. I am off to see a rock show at webster hall tonight. The Walkmen are playing. I am excited.
This day was a trial in patience. It almost seemed false. Like some bizarro world flip flop. I had crazed clients, pyscho in-laws and all with no energy to fend them off. Which was actually a blessing in disguise. My usual fiery Sicilian temper was made placid. I sincerely had not the energy to get all pissed off. Someday perhaps I will sneak up and punch the offending parties in the face--watch your back. Until then I will just apologize and make nice.
I had skipped again the saltwater this morning. See yesterdays post about shitting ones pants. I was feeling guilty about it, thinking I am not doing this correctly and for all it is worth. Then while reading through the book again I noticed that the saltwater is only meant as an aid, although it speeds and aids in cleansing, not necessary daily. Sure enough I had no problems, think crunchy Chee-tos , only brown--and made of poo.
So with frequent trips to the bathroom, and much spicy lemonade guzzling, day four is all but at a close. A special nod to those difficult and irrational people out there, may you overcome your glaring deficiencies.
Stay tuned for more detailed anecdotal accounts of shitting!!!!!!

---N

day three

2008-03-03T15:50:00.000-08:00

Hello all,

Day three here. I am pleased to inform you the day went quickly and quietly. The sun came out. The lemons were perfect.
I skipped my saltwater today. I had never had to wake up so early in conjunction with the cleanse. I did not roll the dice. My brain told me a secret, my dreams revealed the embarrassment of one shitting ones pants on a morning train into Manhattan, I went sans saltwater. Now, I did drink the laxative tea late last night before bed. My thoughts were that I could wake early enough to pass all the saltwater before my journey to work. Six in the morning however, eluded me quite deftly. So, since all things balance. I will drink the saltwater before bed or in the early evening.
Now that dilemma has been solved.
Today was much smoother than yesterday. My bratty cravings for food subsided a bit. My sense of smell increased. I am already melting off pounds--I can feel it. I do feel quite tired. Not unbearably, but significantly none the less. My mind and body are starting to creep into calorie conservation mode. With a kind of senior citizen response time. Although I did manage to best a few of my pre-cleanse records on 'Brain-Age 2' for the Nintendo DS.
It has come to my attention that no fewer than two people read this blog. How exciting indeed! I know that of those two, at least one of them fancies himself a writer. The other a staunch critic.
Also blog fans, it has come to my attention that one of the aforementioned has mentioned intent to blackmail your garrulous narrator, with this very text! An abhorrent ruse!
Well this is no time to grandstand, so I shall stick to what has made this such an inflammatory writ. Poop.
Skipping the saltwater made everything semi-normal. The laxative tea had me all bubble-guts in the morning. After a couple repugnant little diddies however, the shit-storm has subsided.
It really does work as the brush so to speak, a water brush if you will.
Now I am working my way quite quickly through my eighth and ninth glasses of lemonade. Perhaps I shall skip the saltwater altogether for today and pick up in the morning. For what is the point of flushing on a full stomach?

day two -- again

2008-03-02T09:13:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,
Though very few of you count as gentle. Your dear Narrator is apprehensive at best, trepidatious if you will. I sincerely do not want to cleanse again. The feeling is all too evident as I sit here about to take my first sip of the thirty two ounce pelagic beverage that sits to my right.
However this must be done. If only as a symbol. A symbol of the full movement away from the needs and temptations of this modern world of convenience. This gesture will say that what is needed, what is best, comes not of convenience but of sacrifice and determination. There. I took my first gulp of the maritime libation. Not as bad as I had it in my mind to be. An analogy perhaps for all yearnings of the spirit. The leap--never worthy of all the fear you subscribe to it.

---N

Cleanse Again!

2008-03-01T14:13:00.000-08:00

That is right blog fans!
I mean, no one reads this blog. So it is safe for me to just rant on about any nonsense that enters my brain. However, I am extremely bad at keeping it up. When was the last post? January. For shame. Who has time for this? Seriously. Between the work, eating, sleeping, and the studio I pay for but do not go to. I have very little time to sit in front of my computer and complain. Or express observations that no one else really cares about. When I add the gym membership to assuage my health related guilt, I shall really have not a minute for this mental masturbation.
Until then however, I will be CLEANSING AGAIN! You heard me. Your foremost authority on poop evacuation, is at it again. I have begun this instant. It is 5:19 pm, March 1st, 2008. I 'fork' --as i am affectionately known to my friends, will begin a twenty day fast/cleanse. For the purpose of expelling any toxic material otherwise trapped in my body.
For the uninitiated, this is the second time I will have cleansed. The cleanse consists of not eating any solid food. At all. For the specified period. Last time I had done this I managed to go fifteen days with only my special tonic and my will power to nourish me. No food. This time ladies and gentlemen, TWENTY is the number. Now the routine I will follow will be the same as last time. Thirty-two ounces of saltwater in the morning--This works as a flush. The lemonade--made of fresh lemon juice, cayenne pepper and organic grade B maple syrup. A laxative tea at night before bed--senna leaf.
So, from now, until March 20th @ 5:19pm--Thursday, I shall not consume any solid food.
Please feel free to go to the begining of this blog to read the hilarity that ensued when I first cleansed. That should catch you up on the how and why.
Otherwise know that this time, I will be working full time, 9-5. Where as last time I was freelancing--also known as sitting on my ass at home. So dealing with rush hour train traffic at both 8:30am and 5pm should prove to be a treat. So this could be interesting.
Wish me luck. I am off to make some lemonade.

---N

UFO

2008-01-29T20:42:00.000-08:00

hello all.

so here we are. the twenty first century. we are still wondering about life on other planets.
I am to the point where I will not even give you the song and dance about how ignorant you are if you do not think there is life elsewhere in the universe. I think your beer dispensing hat says it all.

whats up with that texas bit huh?
if you did not hear yet, google ufo/texas. you will see.
so pretty much a whole town sees a ufo.
i spoiled it for you.

the reason why I am writing though. not the ufo, i mean wow but no. not that.
i am writing in reference to the governments response.
they said it was sunlight reflecting off of two airliners.
ha!
this happened at night mind you.
and two airliners are just flying side by side, hanging out.
it is like, c'mon government!
just spill the beans.
say you have no clue what that was just like the rest of us.
tell the truth for once in your miserable career.
we are all grown up, we can handle it.
tell us about all the aliens.
c'mon.
what, do you think we are gonna stop paying your salary?
i mean could we even if we wanted to?

---N

Things NOT to say to a VEGAN pt.1!

2008-01-20T08:21:00.001-08:00

1. How do you get your protein?

Listen, how all of a sudden, are you, the moron who eats McDonalds and has 40k worth of debt, a nutritionist? There is protein in every fruit and vegetable. There is protein in all life. In fact, if it were not for protein, nothing would exist. Protein is the exoskeleton of all cellular construction. You are an idiot.

2. But animals eat other animals, it is natural.

Okay, so now you are a wildlife expert too? When the closest thing to wildlife you see is certain parts of Brooklyn, you can shut it. In all your many hours of animal planet and discovery channel you have so wisely invested, you may have noticed that all the animals that eat other animals are either scavengers, or lethargic to the point of sloth. Sleeping days, weeks, and months. So there.

3. I like the taste of meat, I could never give that up.

So, you like to eat dead bodies? I mean, man just invented words like pork, and beef. It is in actuality, flesh. Flesh of dead animals. Gross, right? Think about your dog and/or cat from your childhood. Looking into its eyes and petting it. Then imagine hitting in the head with a hammer. Slicing open its stomach letting all its blood and entrails spill out. Scraping the remaining organs out of its ribcage with your hands. Skinning it. Thats right, removing its skin with a knife. Cutting off its head, tail, and feet. Cracking apart its ribcage. Cutting its hind quarters off, splitting them. Shall I continue? This is the send off you give any animal you put in your mouth. You support this on a massive scale, every time you purchase some 'meat.' Not to mention the deforestation and precious natural resources used to raise animals for the abattoir. Imagine if it were socially acceptable to eat dog or cat. Would you eat yours?

that is all for today.
class dismissed.
you think about what you have learned next time you pick up your fork.

---N

Baked Potato Feet

2008-01-20T08:12:00.000-08:00

Ladies!

Allow me to let you in on something not so secret. There are still a few of you clinging to the past. For the purposes of this entry I am speaking solely of footwear known as UGG's. Please stop. Burn them. They are hideous. You missed the boat on this. Give it up. That was a couple years ago at least. Do not say "I do not care what is trendy, I just want to be comfortable." Sorry, but in this case you are wrong. Just stop. Please stop.

new year

2007-12-31T23:14:00.000-08:00

hey there blog fans...

here we are. a new year.

tonight i braved the amateur night that is NYE NYC.
i waded through the s*** show virtually unscathed.
i did see quite a bit of shouting, stumbling, and that bibulous adult waddle.
but i returned home unmolested. great success.
i ventured out however to surprise my girlfriend with sweet smelling hyacinths
while she toiled behind bar, serving up the bacchanalia.
she was unaware, thinking me to be in brooklyn.
so the very first thing i did this year, was kiss my girlfriend.
the second, was write this poem, entitled...

new years eve

the dresses stiff shimmer
sway tremulous like fresh cellophane
draped above knees
that have just come out to play
mid-way through their winter cloister
that stocking-ed hermitage
one nights winter air they see
then covered again until spring

---N

and the third thing for the new year?

sleep.

01.01.08 Tue 2:45 AM

is it safe to come out yet?

2007-12-29T18:45:00.000-08:00

hello there blogfans...

So does anyone else not feel like coming out of their house?
After the cavalcade of holiday consumers and the orgiastic spending frenzy, this governments wet dream, the time of year whose net tax dollars approve bloated defense budgets in one deft swipe of the debit card. Anyone else have trepidation? Like it is not yet over?
as if there is some detoured crowd rounding the next corner in search of macy's, waiting to sweep you up in their stampede.
So here I am...clacking away on my Macintosh, watching dusky detective movies, and playing nintendo. Feeding the inner ten year old. Not leaving the flat save for some supplies...more movies, mangoes, and chocolate soy milk. Yum.
Oh I had almost forgotten, New Years. Not nearly as much money is spent, but what better way to ring in the new year than to wake up January first with a hangover the size of Rhode Island and black furry spots where your memories should have been.

Good luck with that.

---N

Walking the Dog [a poem]

2007-11-17T22:25:00.000-08:00

I head to the stove for a movie time companion
I see the furry shih tzu google-eyed stare and remember
It was six hours ago I last felt feces squish in my hand a plastic bag
So I grab my shoes
The muffled yap and gruntled yips
Nip my heels as we head out the door
The building smells stale of old linoleum and sloughed old skin cells
We hit the streets
The sidewalks dirty and spotted with old gum like a dalmation
The streetlight catches glass shards and sets them to sparkle
It is garbage night
Black plastic bags lie in heaps like old memories
And we stop at each pile
For sniffs and drops and drips
Startled we see the twitch of thin tails disappear under parked cars
We turn the corner
The blocks have quieted the iron lattice shutters pulled down
We slide down concrete quarters
Over pavement drizzled with drainage and air conditioned moisture
Tires move past us like a wave lapping at a sand bank
We turn the corner and notice a man with his head down sitting amongst the rubbish
I pull the leash taut
We walk a block passing the occasional person in shadowed doorway
Or sitting on the stoop
We turn the corner again and notice a train has just let out
Here the lights drench the pavement
The air is caked with smells of fried donuts and chicken
Passers-by and a familiar face
We stop to talk about our day and the gentrification
Neon stains the air fuzzy
We bid farewell and walk onward
Every four feet we stop for a scent
The side walk dusty and dingy
We pass the corner deli and turn
On our block the feeling of the unknown subsides a little
The buildings look as if sagging like cardboard boxes left in the rain
The air at once thick with the summer humid and a thin fall chill
As if the seasons having a brief dance together before moving past one another
Water streams horizontally past our feet running towards its eventual freedom
Just a few more steps past a few more steps
My keys scratching to find their niche
Up stairs that wail of their burden
And through the last door

I am back....you are front.

2007-11-10T17:02:00.001-08:00

hello all...

it has been far too long.
but here I am.
back to thrill your pants off through your nose.
stay tuned.

Epilogue

2007-08-16T16:19:00.000-07:00

Well children,

I have been eating solid food for two days now. I have eaten mostly fruit and vegetables, and one tuna sandwich. The bread from the tuna made me sick. So it is with a fully fed and energized spirit that I say that the cleanse has produced amazing results for me. I have no cravings for junk food, or coffee like before. The thought of eating bread makes me want to vomit. I have had no animal products, cheese, milk, etc., save a little tuna fish. I have been drinking only water and fresh juice. I feel great! Now if only there were no cancer-causing agents in the drinking water I would be set. More than anything this has given me back my ability to taste natural flavors of things and enjoy them without the help of dips, dressings, and the like. So I have officially completed not ten but fifteen days, and I plan to do this again come the new year. So this is me officially signing off, it has been fun, and good luck.

7:30 pm

---N

day fifteen

2007-08-14T08:47:00.000-07:00

Hello,

So here I am, still standing. I have been drinking OJ now, fresh orange juice to be exact. I must have had seven 10 oz glasses yesterday. For my next feat, I will eat...vegetables! Yes sir, I will begin to eat solid food again today. I might have also had a fresh mixed vegetable juice from liquiteria yesterday as well. I figured that juice is juice right? Well my body started in with the stomach noises by the time I got home from the city. No saltwater today! What a relief. Also my tongue is mostly pink, meaning I should have stayed on this thing longer. I might just do it again in three or four months though, so no worries. I look foward to the day when I can have a baked ziti slice. Also my body has had zero in the way of carbs and protein the last two weeks. There was sugars in the maple syrup but certainly not enough to be considered extra. So it is calling out for some bread beans or some kind of starch. Well it is poker night again, wish me luck.

11:58 am

---N

day fourteen

2007-08-13T11:01:00.000-07:00

Hey peoples,

So here I am. Day fourteen already. I have my last saltwater sitting beside me today. Have yet to start on it. I did start an excellent book yesterday. "Wild Sheep Chase" by Murakami. It had me up all night, reading into deliriousness. I love when books get you like that. So it is with a sad heart that this thing is beginning to come to a close. This blog was even linked to an online newspaper called theissue.com in the "musings" section for its humor. I just found out myself yesterday, thanks, issue. We have had highs and lows and poops. I have lost weight and my face cleared up, I even avoided sickness while not eating the whole two weeks. I was hoping to do twenty days, maybe next time. This has been a sometimes rough but largely positive experience, I do recommend it to everyone. I feel great and now I will begin to break the fast. I am condensing the break period though. Instead of drinking OJ for two days, I will be on juice for only one day, today. Then tomorrow I will have a little soup with tons of veggies and some rice. Then on wed I will begin to eat raw fruits and vegetables. Thursday I will begin to eat normally. Which I have decided will be vegetarian, mostly raw, with the exception of seafood, I will still enjoy maritime delicacies. Okay, so I am six ounces into my saltwater at this point. I have quite a bit of work to do. Why is it I can not motivate myself on Monday? That is it for today kids. Have a great week. I will still be posting the next few days so stay tuned.

2:15 pm

---N

day thirteen winds down

2007-08-12T17:45:00.000-07:00

Hey,

So yeah, thirteen days now. I skipped the saltwater this morning because I was being rushed to a baby shower. Yawn. No place for guys the baby shower. There is no reasoning with your live-in girlfriend when appearances at social functions are involved. This day went on smoothly as far as diets are concerned. I have decided to begin to break the fast tomorrow. Then two days of juice only, and the third day I can begin to eat solid foods again, raw fruits and vegetables. The breaking of the fast must be done a certain way, if you just haul off and eat a bag of donuts or something you will get sick. The idea is to slowly re-introduce your system to breaking down and digesting solid foods again. So I will fast one more day, then begin to break the fast. Eating will still not happen for three days. So if you are keeping score, it is like fasting for sixteen days. Not too bad really.

8:52 pm

---N

dirty dozen

2007-08-11T07:51:00.000-07:00

Twelve days strong,

Hey poop fans! So here I am business as usual, If you would have seen how much poop came out this morning, you would know why I am still cleanse/fasting. Eat something already, you say. But I am bound to see this thing through to the end. I am about to drink some saltwater, then on to whole foods to replenish my supplies. I have saved a bundle in grocery bills. Food is expensive. Apart from my poop filled adventure things are moving along nicely. I was disciplined enough to work all week with little distractions. This resulted in my finishing a couple projects I had simmering. One is a cover for a compilation album that will be released by eyeball records, it is a charity record hoping to raise awareness about suicide prevention. I am also putting the finishing touches on some package design for TIMEX for their new watch brand releasing next year. So I have been a busy boy. This diet has not slowed me down one bit. Things are good and I am reminded that I am a blessed man. A thankful one at that.

11:02 am

---N

day eleven

2007-08-10T10:02:00.000-07:00

You heard right people!

As I sit here, saltwater in hand, there is a dim grey hued light peeking through the curtains. The rain brings with it a few blessings, a cool and a calm that hushes an otherwise belligerent neighborhood. This is day eleven of the hunger strike. I figured what is one more day at this point. Consulting the book I found that the clear indicator that the body has detoxified is a clean pink tongue. My tongue is not. Also the mornings are flush. So I press on. The will is steeled. My resolve set. A few more days will be no sweat. I will eat again, just not for a few more days.

1:09 pm

---N

day ten arrives

2007-08-09T07:23:00.001-07:00

Hello people!

Day ten is here and I am in no hurry to drink 32oz of saltwater. I hope this has been a wonderful learning experience for us all. I want to continue this diet, but I fear the urge to eat again is growing quite strong. I have totally tired of lemonade by now. So I am still on the fence, but the breeze is beginning to blow, moving both me and the fence in a gentle swaying motion. Poker night was last night. I caught a wave of frozen cards, and there were ringers, so I lost. Winning teaches a man nothing however, and losing can illicit great knowledge. What did I learn last night? Trust your instincts. Well I will begin my flush here shortly and then on to work. It was your usual morning for me so far. That begs the question if ending this now would be premature. Well, for today I am still on this thing, so we shall see what tomorrow brings. You will be the first to know.

10:31 am

---N

day nine?

2007-08-08T11:04:00.000-07:00

Wow,

Day nine already!?! I can hardly believe it. I have on almost every post talked about how this was no big deal and such. I think putting any habit on pause takes a certain degree of mental readiness and preparation. The more vital the habit the more difficult. As with anything else, realistic expectations will only serve to assist in the successful execution of ones goals. This should be done if one wishes to cleanse and reset your body. Give your organs a chance to catch up with the constant stream of cigarettes, beer, and chicken wings. They will thank you in the long run. The mornings of the past few days have produced more and more. I have not eaten any solid food in nine days and I still have plenty o' poop. Well on to the next day. I have been toying with the idea of staying on the diet past ten days, I also grow weary of lemonade and wish to begin eating again. So I am on the fence. Time will tell.

2:13 pm

---N

day eight

2007-08-07T07:44:00.000-07:00

Hello,

Day eight begins. I have not yet had my saltwater and already I am expelling nastiness. I am wondering if stopping at ten days would be wise, considering what I have been getting rid of in the past few days, it seems like exactly why I started this thing in the first place. Anyway, first a disclaimer. If you are one of those people who seem to get annoyed easily, perhaps even cranky and snippy, then this diet might not be for you. My girlfriend, as lovely as she is, has been incredibly cranky and curt. The no food thing has wore on her to the point that we have been barely speaking the past few days, which is far from ordinary for us. I keep urging her to break the fast and begin to eat again, but I feel that she secretly wants to keep up with me. Which is great, but at who's expense? Needless to say that if you do not really want to do something like this, or if you do not think you can, perhaps you should listen to yourself and spare your loved ones grief.
Apart from that, I am doing great! Still trucking on my way to ten. Which might become twelve or fifteen. I am going to get some saltwater now, and then on with my day. Cheers.

10:55 am

---N

food is for pussies!

2007-08-06T11:26:00.000-07:00

Day seven!

Alright so day seven is here and it is business as usual, just finishing up the saltwater now (woke up late) Then I will continue with my day. I have a few more days to go, and I will decide how many more days I will continue on. I feel awesome! I totally dropped my gut, and I feel cleaner and more able, not sluggish at all, like when I was a kid and had energy to spare.

2:32pm

---N

day six ends

2007-08-05T21:25:00.000-07:00

Hey kids,

So day six is all but over. Food urges were high today. Patience levels low. Annoyances high. Energy Low. I consumed less lemonade today than any other, a low low five glasses. My senses have increased their sensitivity to the degree that I could smell what you had for breakfast if I were to meet you. With the cigarettes, putrid garbage and the body odors, I realized quickly that a heightened sense of smell is not that advantageous in New York City. Especially when one takes public transport everywhere, you owe me environment. Apart from that though I am still going strong. Day seven rapidly approaches, and I welcome it.

12:30am

---N

p.s. - I saw the simpsons movie tonight and it was worth the eleven dollars ;)

day six!

2007-08-05T10:56:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well
Officially over the hump. On the way down the other side. Today even more than yesterday I am having all manner of things starting to come out. Especially in the morning after the saltwater. Which has been the case the whole way through. For about a two hour period after the saltwater each morning you have to exercise extreme caution, stay close to the bathroom. Then that stops and you are good for the rest of the day. I have given some thought as to how long I am going to stay on this regimen. I have decided that as long as I have waste being eliminated, I will continue. So this might go past day ten. We shall see. Thus far I have been drinking about eight glasses of lemonade a day. Which is right in the suggestion of six to twelve. I have had cravings for food come at me sporadically the past few days. Which are quelled by a gulp of lemonade. I actually tended bar last night and had plenty of energy for it. I was thoroughly exhausted afterwards however. It has grown a bit more difficult as time has gone on. So this is certainly a challenge, but not an unmanageable one.

2:12 pm

---N

day five

2007-08-04T12:09:00.000-07:00

Hey kids.
Well I have made it this far. That is a feat in of its own. This mornings business was the most severe so far. I am just having my salt water now. Got a late start today. Anyway things are going as planned. The body is still forcing out the yucky stuff every morning. Where is all this stuff coming from? This is every piece of undigested food stuff since I was three. Gross.

3:13 pm

---N

end of day four

2007-08-03T20:29:00.000-07:00

Hello there. It is eleven-thirty in New York City. Rain has just come down in sheets, and now there is a small latino man across the street screaming about who knows what. I do know that he has been talking for the past five minutes only stopping to breathe. So annoying. Apart from that I feel good. I am in the middle of watching "The Astronaut Farmer" every now and again I enjoy the big budget studio film, plus it is slim picking at the local movie rental joint. So here I am working a little, watching a flick, typing. I feel good on this diet. Tiring of the lemonade is an obvious malady right? I mean eat the any one thing for ten days straight and you will tire of it. Besides the morning when I am in the throes of salt water explosions. This ain't so bad. Nothing I cannot handle anyway. In the sense of the actual cleansing going on, I have not seen anything crazy come out of me yet. I will let you know when I do. One thing I have noticed is that four days have gone by with out one solid meal, and there is still plenty coming out in the mornings. So where is all this crap coming from? One cannot help but wonder. I do not consider myself that toxic either, what would come out of you?

11:44 pm

---N

late entry

2007-08-03T13:39:00.000-07:00

My apologies poop fans,
I have been lax in my duties. For good reason though. The past few nights I have had trouble sleeping. Partly because of my girlfriend hogging the bed, partly because of the heat, and lastly because my body is like what the fuck is going on. So for the past two days I have slept a total of six hours. So this morning around 3 am I was up with nothing to do. I suppose I could have written something then, but I was not feeling it. Anyway, after a movie and some peppermint tea, I drank my saltwater. Then peed from my asshole for an hour. The bowl closely resembling a Jackson Pollock. (by now the gloves are off) And at about 8am I crashed out, waking around 2:30pm. Some much needed catch up. Throughout this adventure I have been forced out of bed at odd, and often early hours. So I am used to it. Last night though, odd cravings and thoughts were a popping. I cannot get this image of a baked ziti slice out of my mind. I have turned to just focusing on work. I figure since I need to get my mind off the random cravings and such. This is day four and I suspect once I hit the half way point, the second half will be downhill. Here is to hope. I have been answering messages for the last hour or so. The diet is not so tough. There are moments when dizziness and disarray threaten to set in. They are easily thwarted by a glass or two of the special lemonade. The saltwater thing is no fun. When accepted as important part of the cleansing process however, it makes sense. You have to push out all the toxic stuff out somehow. Speaking of the lemonade. The recipe is pretty basic.

2 tablespoons fresh squeezed lemon juice
2 tablespoons grade B maple syrup (real, not maple flavored corn syrup)
1/10 teaspoon cayenne pepper
10 oz spring water

The idea is that you get all the nutrients you need from both the lemon juice and the maple syrup. Both are extremely vitamin rich, quite a bit of minerality in the syrup too, it does come from the ground essentially. The cayenne pepper acts both as a hemiostat and in breaking up of mucus, lowers blood pressure as well. There you have it. The magic elixir. You receive the carbs you need from the sugars in the maple syrup, and the acid in the lemons turn to alkaline in the body so there is no worry of acid reflux or other adverse effects.

Now I am feeling refreshed. I have a renewed vigor for this endeavor. Day four is winding down andI am looking forward to tomorrow.

6:30pm (est)

---N

Hello again

2007-08-02T16:43:00.000-07:00

It is almost eight now. I am over writing this thing. I guess I am just bored. Day three is winding down. It was not so tough. The morning was a little rough, but otherwise no different. I wonder where it goes from here. I am feeling largely indifferent. There are moments when I want to eat and moments when I do not. I remind myself of the cleansing benefits and I am alright. As I was walking down the street just now there was a pregnant puerto rican girl shouting to her family on the stoop, every other phrase was "white bitch." Then quick to look at me as I passed , hoping to illicit a response. I suppose the natives grow restless and tire of the constant gentrification that has swallowed the boroughs. I suppose that just like any swarm of immigrants, this swarm (made up of displaced, mostly white, middle class wannabe hipsters) must deal with its share of backlash. As I passed the thought of my sweet girlfriend having to deal with this kind of ugliness made my stomach turn, or perhaps that was just the cleanse diet. Two things come to mind, one - avoid loud ignorant people, two - never let that type of person pull you into their world, it is most likely a shitty one. Plus, if I was "The Man" that everyone refers to that is keeping them down, would I live in this neighborhood with the roaches and the cat pee smell?

No.

7:57 pm

---N

day three

2007-08-02T07:56:00.000-07:00

After my brackish breakfast beverage, my backside seemed a portal from another dimension. Nah, just kidding, I have always wanted to begin some prose with that sentence. In all seriousness however, this morning was perhaps my most unpleasant. Slight cramping and stomach aches kept me flushing for a good hour. Nothing painful mind you, just a bit more severe than previous days. Fear not my reader, my will is not swayed so easily. There will be more entries for garish eyes to devour. I also take this opportunity to apologize to you readers if you find these subjects to be unsettling. Then again a blog about colon cleansing might not be the obvious choice for the squeamish.
Let us stray from the subject for a brief moment or two. If you have been reading along with me since the beginning, you will remember me mentioning my not having energy to be annoyed. This has held true with one exception...the abomination known as "reggaeton." This is quite possibly the lowest one can go on the musical totem pole. Beneath the "crash test dummies" and "master p" all that hip hop crap, beneath "toad the wet sprocket" and "asia" you will find this whole genre, festering and pustulating with the old cigarette butts, dog hair and dirty wet leaves that you forgot to rake three summers ago. No where is this blight more concentrated than right were I live, in the armpit of Brooklyn, Bushwick. Perhaps I did not stray too far from the subject after all, I mean I am talking about excrement here. (Hiiiii-Ohhhhh!) (rimshot)

11:21 am

---N

morning day three

2007-08-02T05:03:00.000-07:00

Thanks to a boisterous and buzzer happy mail man, I was awakened at 7:30 am. I have not woken up before noon since I was in high school. There are few things as important to me as a serene awakening, I believe it sets the tone for the day. It is imperative. Regardless I am here, chattering away on the keyboard. This is day three, and in moments I will be awash in saltwater. From here on is where things become more interesting in my book. We have left shallow water and are swimming dutifully towards ravenousness. I actually do my best to postpone the salt water flush each morning, by sleeping in or writing about it, but in the end I am always 32oz heavier. On a good note however it looks as though I have sold another illustration, so that has brightened my spirits. The deeper you go the higher you fly.

the second day ends

2007-08-01T21:24:00.000-07:00

Hi there, it is about half past midnight. I type, then to the stove to heat the water. As the tea steeps, I will wash up for bed.
This second day was not difficult for me. It was far more taxing on my girlfriend. She was weak and listless. I seemed to have energy to spare. I even went out into the world, Wednesday is my league pool night. I hung out with no qualms, there was the occasional mild headache, or waft of food smell, but all in all it was not too bad. Watching people stuff their faces can be hard if you let it. When you see the junk they eat, it is not too difficult to rationalize your cravings back into the corner and go on drinking your lemonade.
As far as the eliminations are concerned, this mostly just happens in the morning. After the saltwater there is a period of a couple of hours where you spend most of your time in the loo. Again though this is expected, I mean the salt water has to come out somewhere. 32oz on an empty stomach after having a laxative before bed the previous night does not leave much to the imagination.
My body is starting to feel even better. I have noticed I feel lighter. I sprinted the 400 meter to the train like an olympian. I feel great already, I look forward to the rest of this cleanse. I can imagine how great I will feel towards the end. Again I hope that the eighth, ninth, and tenth days are as easy as the first two.

waking up for day two

2007-08-01T08:06:00.000-07:00

Salt water is not delicious! Here I am again, drinking 32oz of salt water. I do not drink 32 oz of anything, let alone this crap. So again I am closing my eyes and thinking soup broth. That helps. My girlfriend was feeling very proud of herself last night having completed day one. I am of the opinion that we have not even started the difficult part yet. I would imagine that day one your body is still happy living off the stored calories. You just ate like twelve hours ago. Come day four or five, when you are far from the shore of mastication, your stomach is a gurgling fist and you have the bowel and bladder control of an eighty year old. Then we see what we are made of. As I type here I am almost half way through my breakfast. I am excited to see results though. I have heard of people dropping up to thirty pounds on this thing. I am not in it for the weight loss, but when I see my stomach muscles again I will not be complaining. The health benefits are untold. This diet helps soothe ulcers, cure allergies, clear skin, not to mention revitalize kidneys livers and colons. Apart from that, it provides an exercise in monastic discipline. Your cravings go away. Your cravings for smoke, drink, junk food. They melt away. You must be ready though, mentally. There is no forcing your way. It must be something you want. I sound like I am selling AmWay or something. Ha, anyway, after reading the book it just made sense to me. When something feels right, I am all the way into it.

day one at a close

2007-07-31T20:46:00.000-07:00

Hey,
So day one is almost finished, don't really feel that different. There were a few moments I wanted to eat, but they were easily overcome.I drank an ass ton of lemonade, but I like lemonade. I did not lose at poker, I did not win either. All in all it was a good day. I am about to drink some more laxative tea, watch a movie, and go to sleep. Then up bright and early for another salt water breakfast, yummy. Until then.

11:50 pm

---N

day one (part IV)

2007-07-31T15:36:00.000-07:00

What's up world?
Half way through the day and no worse for the wear. I have a slight headache now and again as my body adjusts to no food, but no big deal. My girlfriend however is freaking the f*** out! Ah the joys of co-habitation. I have actually been really calm today. My body is retaining what little fuel it has for the really important stuff like motor skills and basic function, leaving no energy to get annoyed at the rush hour subway traffic and the bad smelling people. I am hosting a poker game tonight, so I should save all my faculty, not waste it here on pithy rejoinders.

6:42 pm

---N

day one (part III)

2007-07-31T11:37:00.000-07:00

hey poop fans!
so after my salt water, i proceeded to make myself three glasses of lemonade for breakfast. They were actually quite delicious. I liked them a lot, we will see what tune I am singing come day nine or so. Something you should know about me, somewhere in my travels I ended up getting my jaw broken in two places, fun. Try sneezing with a broken jaw and redefine your pain parameters. Anyway, for the two months to follow, I was on a liquid diet. Well that taught me what it means to be hungry and have no recourse but Ensure. Liquid never gives you that "full" feeling. In short I was built for this shit, bring it on lemonade diet.
I am having the slightest of hunger pangs. I would be lying if I said I did not almost put some snacks in my mouth out of habit only. The habit of eating is deeply ingrained, wouldn't you say?
I have visited the throne on more than five occasions today and it is early afternoon. So the fun is just beginning. Stay tuned poop fans.

ha :) poop,

---N 2:48 pm

day one (cont.)

2007-07-31T07:44:00.000-07:00

half way through my 32oz salt water breakfast. I have already figured out the trick, you just close your eyes and think chicken soup. Makes it not difficult at all really. The gravity of the salt mixture is the same as that of blood and it does not separate in the body, so the kidneys do not pick up the salt, and the stomach does not pick up any water, making for the perfect clean sweep if you will.
And boy did it start sweeping immediately, lets just say, if you think thats a fart, its not. ha :)
also, I had my first glass of lemonade, not bad at all.

wish me luck,

---N 11:28 am

day one

2007-07-31T06:40:00.000-07:00

day one has arrived...
and i feel well, the night before day one you are to take a laxative tea. I did so and now I feel like there is a small skirmish in my lower abdomen. Ahhh... that's better. Now I suppose I should start with the salt water, joy! Ugh, the salt water will most likely be the worst part of this whole thing. Although just as it is necessary to wash the outside of our bodies, so should we wash the inside right? So I will.

later,

---N

9:54 am 7/31/07

pre-game show

2007-07-30T13:59:00.000-07:00

Hey,

Right, so we went shopping yesterday. We got a book called "the master cleanser" by stanley burroughs. Oh and it is full of wonderful information about the "master cleanse" a.k.a. "the lemonade diet" a.k.a. "I think I just shat out a farm animal" diet. The latter moniker penned by yours truly. I have heard a lot about this diet and its benefits from friends, I have also heard how difficult it is, and stories about things of a technicolor nature coming out of people. Reading the book makes clear the questions and doubts. It doesn't hurt and no, you will not die if you don't get to eat. All the nonsense aside, I will be writing, for better or worse, the details here. Maybe this will help people to get a better understanding of how and why this is so important for your health. Your body has accumulated toxins from the bits of undigested food stuffs still in your body. Enough of this left over crap, and your organs get blocked and slowed with the by-product glue like residue left in the body and digestive tract. Death starts in the colon! Once the body is slowed and the build up increases, the problems set in.
Now I am healthy, thin, and active. I do not smoke or drink. I have also given up eating meat. Which I should never have eaten in the first place, according to the literature I have been reading. The body has to liquefy things before it can derive nutrition from them, and meat is very hard for the body to liquefy, plus the meat carries with it its own waste and toxins from the host animal. Think about it, the strongest animals are vegetarians themselves, the ones that eat meat are lethargic and often times scavengers. I would not enjoy being either of the latter.
I am not trying to change your mind, you do what you want, you will anyway. I am offering you a peek inside the mind of someone seeking a healthier and happier lifestyle. Naysayers can keep their negativity, they seem to enjoy smashing peoples sand castles anyway. I choose to build something better. After all, doing the same thing time and again and expecting different results is the recipe for madness.
So, here I go. For the past two days I have eaten only raw fruits and vegetables, drank juice and water in preparation. This is not stated in the book as being necessary, but I thought it would help a smooth transition. Tomorrow is day one of the cleanse. This ten-day cleaning party for my body consists of:

morning- a 32oz. salt water flush

day- 6 to 12 glasses of the special lemonade concoction ( i will get into the recipe later)

night- a cup of herbal laxative tea ( senna leaf)

the occasional cup of herbal mint tea as a treat.

So I am as prepared as possible, both mentally and physically. Tomorrow day one, we shall talk some more then.